Monday, October 02, 2006

The way you start out........

Is the way you'll finish. That's what my grandmother used to say. And she was right.

A girl I know is getting married, mashaAllah, but it's not off to a good start. All of the things she's always wanted, he can't currently give her and has encouraged her to put off until later. He can't afford a wedding, so they're not having one. They're just going straight from Nikah to living together. They can't even have a honeymoon. He swears they'll have them later but that almost never happens. He can't afford her Mahr so he's going to pay it in installments, sometime in the future. I'm thinking (and so is her mother) that bills and stuff are going to get in the way and she's never going to see it. I mean, I don't know how much he's supposed to be giving her but paying it in an undetermined amount of installments doesn't seem right. There's other stuff too but these are the big ones. I mean, she's young (like two years younger than me) and it just seems like she's sacrificing a lot of things. He, of course, is not sacrificing anything. I don't think that bodes well for the future of their marriage. Marriage is a two way street and when one person starts out making all of the sacrifices things probably aren't going to improve. Besides, you really shouldn't have to sacrifice so much in the beginning. I could be wrong but I have a bad feeling about this.

8 comments:

Saly said...

Oh, that is sort of worrying. Let's pray for her together tonight. OK?

Maybe this will be comforting - I got married at 22 and Aly was the same age so he couldn't afford to give me anything. We did have a grand wedding courtesy our parents and we asked people to give us money and not presents so we had a decent honeymoon as well. However, that was it. It was not until four years later we started to become 'rich.' But Aly kept his promises. If I am to judge his spiritual promises, he's loved me and given me and still loves and gives me more than I had even asked, Mashallah. Materialistically, I am into branded stuff so I’m pretty much spoilt you can say. Alhamdulliah Allah has given him plenty which he dutifully gives to me;-) So, perhaps this guy will keep his promises if God decides to give him what he should deserve.

singlemuslimah said...

I hope you're right. It could be that I'm just seeing things from my spoiled, somewhat materialistic viewpoint. I just don't want to see anyone end up in an unhappy marriage and bitter about what could have been. InshaAllah, things will work out as well for her as they did for you.

ruby said...

That's definately worrying but hopefully things will work out well for her inshallah...
Even if they can't afford a lavish wedding I hope they still have something to mark the occasion, even cake and tea! I was under the impression he has to give her some sort of mahr before the nikkah can be read? Even if its a surah?
Materially inshallah she will be comfortable and have what they need if not everything they want but inshallah their lives together will be happy!

koonj said...

She should say: "How about for my mahr being delayed, you clean and cook for the next 3 years?"

ruby said...

Koonj...she'll either get her mahr SUPER fast or clean and cook anyway and that will be one more thing on the list she's given up...

singlemuslimah said...

Somehow, I think she'll be cooking and cleaning anyway.

AKA said...

It's definitely hard to start a marriage off like that - there's already so much adjustment and problems in the beginning that money shouldn't be one. But you never know, inshAllah if this is the right step for her, it will work out.

I'd encourage her to do istikhaara and maybe this will clear up any concers she has.

Sarah said...

I dated someone like that - someone who promised me that we would have everything we wanted in the end. He wanted to marry before he paid off $30,000 debt. And on top of that, he wanted to go for a Ph.D. program and have me work while he went to school for 4-6 years. He didn't have a sense of what living in the "real" world entails. I'm eager for a husband and a family, but I also want a stable home life. Money isn't the biggest issue in the world, but it's one of the major factors in divorce...

I hope that your friend makes the the right decision!