Why Now?

People (older Muslim women) that have known me awhile keep asking me why I want to get married now. Today an old friend of my mom's called and when my mom told her she was looking, naturally she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to ask why now. I don't get that; it's not like I was ever against marriage. I just didn't want to be married while I was in college. I wanted to fully enjoy college without responsibilities. I did and now it's time for the next chapter in my life. I fail to see why this is a big deal. Yet, people keep harping on it. My personal favorite is "oh, you want a baby don't you?" Um, actually, not really. Not now anyway. Of course, I learned the hard way that saying that is not acceptable. Muslims don't want to hear that you aren't just chomping at the bit to procreate. So I just give a polite smile and say nothing. I figure it's better to do that than have it spread around that I'm some kind of a baby hater.

Why are people even asking a question like that? It's like at job interviews when they ask why, with my education, I want to work as a receptionist or administrative assistant. Why do you think? I need employment of some kind and I haven't found the job I really want so here I am. That, however, isn't an acceptable answer so I have to dig up an acceptable response. Same thing with this, I just pull out the most parent approved response; ::cue super innocent face:: I'm ready to settle down and, of course, fulfill half my deen. Then come the approving, maternal smiles and comments on how right and proper my attitude is. And, of course, how far I've come from that silly, gossipy girl. Yeah, I was like 15, let's move on.

Of course, no one wants the God honest truth, especially from a woman. One of my girlfriends is constantly saying that she's going to start telling people that virginity is over-rated so she's putting her's up for sale. The price is a $100k wedding and a European honeymoon. I've suggested she hold her tongue. Any response related to sex would be completely inappropriate; more so for a woman. Most people know that factors in with men, however, they are not willing to think about it when it comes to women. Our reasons for marriage are as follows; babies, security, babies, deen, and babies. Any hints at romance gain you a lecture on the harsh realities of marriage and getting some is a non-issue. This is fine because some things are not meant to be discussed in polite society. But why ask? You must know you won't get the whole truth so just let sleeping dogs lie. I just don't know why people insist on asking questions when they don't really want the answer.

Eww!

Alright, this morning I was on Craigslist and I found the following advertisement in the employment section.

Looking for a Girl Who Will Let Me Rub Her Feet!! Willing to Pay!!

Will pay $10 per hour to any woman who will let me rub on her feet. Prefer Raleigh but will travel based on the circumstance. Flexible hours. If interested, please contact me as soon as possible.


Now that's a serious foot fetish. OMG, people are so freaky! I wonder what kind of woman is going to respond to this ad.

TMI

Why do these things happen to me? Now, today I was in Target with my 10 y/o niece and we popped in the ladies room near the Pharmacy. You know, the one that only one person can use at a time. Well, when we got there, there was a wait. That's when the fun began. There was a woman in there creating all sorts of commotion. I'm talking shrieking, grunting, muttering to herself, and kicking the wall. Big M and I are trying not to laugh and she's doing all this mouthing and pantomiming. Next thing we know, this girl bursts out of the bathroom holding a pregnancy test and says, "I'm pregnant and I already have one." Um, TMI much? What is wrong with you? Why would you say that and in front of a child? Naturally, I don't know what to say so I just go, "um, congratulations." I mean, it seemed wrong to say "I'm sorry" or "that's unfortunate." That wouldn't be right no matter how she feels. But why are you telling me this? The worse part was that she worked there. She was in her uniform, taking a pregnancy test and telling people about it. Great. Oh, and even better? She was our cashier.

Why can't we be friends?

Recently, I received an AIM from an old, former friend. He was a nice guy but we had to stop hanging out. I can't remember who fell for whom first or if we tumbled in together but it happened. He wasn't a Muslim so I just couldn't allow myself to go there. For that reason, I was content to keep my feelings to myself but he didn’t have that self-restraint. We tried to be friends after the big reveal but things were never the same. Eventually, we just drifted apart because neither one of us wanted to officially say that we couldn't be friends. There were the occasional IMs but things weren't the same. By the time six or so months had passed; we had completely stopped contacting each other. His recent message was full of warm, fuzzy reminisces. I was glad my away message was on. It would have been a nice trip down memory lane but not one we needed to take together.

There's a reason we're not friends anymore; it wasn't good for either of us. He was in love with me, I was halfway in love with him, and we couldn't (I wouldn’t) do anything about it. There's no need to be in that situation. It's best to just walk away. My foolish, young heart couldn't stand the thought of hurting him by constantly being around him and I didn't want to deal with it either so I let communication lapse. As for now, I just don't see a reason for us to reconnect. While I no longer have feelings for him; there's no need for us to relive the past. It happened and we've both moved on. Sure, we could chat online every so often but there's really no point.

I guess that's harsh but it's true, IMO. There are some people that I just feel don't need to keep in my life or let reenter my life. Former romantic entanglements are those people. There are people that can remain friends with their exes; they even prefer it. I am not one of those people. I am not a "let's be friends" kind of girl. If we started out as friends; things seem to be weird afterwards. If we didn't start as friends; what's the point? This is hurtful for a lot of people but if your relationship has ended, you have the right to not want to be around that person. It's not necessarily saying anything against the ex; you just can't be around them right now, maybe not ever. It could be that they're a constant reminder of a foolish mistake or a period in your life you would rather forget. It could be that contact with you, even hearing about you, reopens that wound. As much as it may bother you; there's really nothing you can do but accept it.

One of my sorority sisters was obsessed with being friends with all of her exes. By junior year she had this string of ex-boyfriends/pseudo friends that she kept in touch with. Then she has the nerve to wonder why she can't keep a boyfriend. No one wants to deal with all of that baggage you're dragging behind you. That's not cool and that's exactly what a bunch of exes turned friends are; baggage. You can try to dress it up but the plain truth is that you're just dragging your past around with you like an oversized weekender. Even if it's fine with you, think of how awkward it is for your significant other. Here you are reliving the good ole days with some ex-flame while simultaneously trying to cultivate this new relationship. I'm no psychologist but I just don't think that's conducive to a healthy relationship. Of course, there are exceptions; like the old friend you briefly dated but in general, it's just not a good idea.

Good Intentions

Okay, so reading all these posts on virginity, temptation, double standards, and whatnot has reminded me of something from my college days. Something that, post college, I warned my younger, Muslimah (play) cousin about. The Muslim brother with the "good intentions." I don't know how many of you ladies have met this man but he's a liar. This is the brother that gets all close to you and keeps telling you he's going to speak to your father, uncle, brother, whatever but keeps procrastinating about it. At the same time, he's trying to get in your pants or as close to it as possible. Now, as you may have guessed, I've had dealings with this type of guy. Fortunately, I was smart enough to avoid falling into his trap. I met A (sorry, I'm not good with clever nicknames) Sophomore year of college. I had to have him. He was a friend of a friend and said friend thought he was a "good, solid brother." In hindsight, he wasn't the best judge of character or the best of men. But whatever, that's a story for another time. Moving on. I wasn't the only girl that had a thing for him. A so-called friend wanted him too. I will admit that as a pretty and naive girl, used to getting what I wanted, I didn't consider her real competition. My mistake. A and I started hanging out at school, talking to each other on the phone, etc. We kept it kosher. Both of us being from "good" families, friends started asking the normal questions and I was wondering myself. He claimed he was going to speak with my uncle. In the meantime, why didn't we hang out without all these other people around. And so it went. Around and around. Him always trying to get me alone with him (usually at his place, Mr. BMOC) and me reminding him that he hadn't yet spoken with my uncle, or anyone in my family. The whole time, of course, Miss Thang is hanging around with her fast tail. Eventually, he stops calling me and I hear that they've hooked up. She paraded around smug for a few weeks and then it was over. He was asking my friends why I wasn't speaking to him, etc. They basically told him where to get off and over the summer we both got over it. He transferred to VA Tech and I never saw or heard from him again.
My point is this; he didn't have single good intention towards me. He wanted only one thing and when he didn't get it; he moved on. He got it from another young sister and then cast her aside. He'll marry someones virgin daughter and, in the meantime, people still talk about her and how she was always no good. No, she wasn't, but it takes two to tango. He's even more worthless because he's deceitful. He's (or was) a cad, a rake, a jerk, a bastard. Whatever you want to call it, that's him. I wouldn't have had him back for all of the money in the world because he had no respect for me or any other Muslim woman. He found it perfectly acceptable to lie in order to get what he wanted and that's unacceptable. Unfortunately, he's not the only one. A former friend of mine also tried this scam on an unsuspecting sister. Always going on about his good intentions when he didn't have any. She was smart so she got off easy. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen often. You tell a fairly innocent girl that it's okay because you're getting married anyway and she might believe you. She's foolish to believe it but it happens.
It's cruel to use women like this, especially Muslim women. It's not necessary to ruin an innocent young sisters life; because that's basically what happens. Word gets out and everyone acts like she's the biggest whore in town. They don't want to know the truth; that their precious son used and misled an innocent girl. She's a victim (of his duplicity and her stupidity and naivete) and he's a victimizer. It's a big, bitter pill for the Muslim community to swallow but until we start holding our sons as accountable as we hold our daughters, this kind of stuff will continue to happen. In the meantime, it's up to those of us that know to warn our younger sisters and guide our younger brothers.

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey y'all! Guess who's back? I'm so excited. It's been so long. I feel so out of the loop. It's going to take me a little while to catch up on what's been going on with everyone. I don't even know where to start with myself. It's not that anything major has happened, it's just that I haven't shared with y'all in so long. It's been like over a month.

Alright, first and foremost, I will soon be turning 25(Lord, take me now). My birthday is in March. In light of that, people have felt compelled to warn me that I am on my way to being a spinster. Great times. That's always good news. Really. It warms my heart. My great-grandmother told me over the holidays that I really need to get married soon because once I'm older I can "hang it up." "You don't want to be some tired old spinster, girl." You think? No, my life's goal is to be a dried up old maid. Fortunately, she's old, really old, so I don't pay her much attention. But everybody else is trying to weigh in on it. My mother, however, was "helpful" enough to, again, tell me that a lot of people don't marry until well into their 30s. Hmmm, yes, that's lovely. Really.

The sad part is, I'm not even hating being single right now. I'm kind of enjoying it. There are other things I'm trying to accomplish, albeit not at the expense of my love life. I mean, it's not like I'm sitting around some tired soon to be spinster. I'm trying to establish a career, get more involved in the community, etc. Of course, I have been warned (only by the older ladies) against seeming too busy. Apparently, no man wants a woman that doesn't have time for him. Meanwhile, it's not like my hours can be filled by waiting for Mr. Right to fall into my lap. I do have to do something. Of course, the truth of the matter is, most men don't want a woman whose entire life is him. It's very clingy.

Anyway, in the meantime, it's about the career. I can't stand the fact that my college education is going to such total waste. I mean, temping and retail? This is totally unacceptable. Since temping is keeping me as poor as a church mouse and I hate it, we're done with that. I'm only keeping the retail job for my discount, it's 40%. I'm now back to job hunting. As soon as I find a full-time job that can be my bread and butter, I'm going to start doing freelance event planning. One of my New Years resolutions was to take control of my life and that's what I'm doing.

Hiatus

I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I'm having internet issues so I can't blog because I can't use my computer. It sucks and it's killing me. I may not survive using my mom's computer. We have wireless internet and her computer is the host so for some reason, it's the only one getting service. Anyway, I'm hoping (and praying) that this situation will be fixed sooner rather than later. InshaAllah, I'll be back soon. I have lots to talk about. In the meantime, I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday.

See ya soon!