Thursday, January 25, 2007

Good Intentions

Okay, so reading all these posts on virginity, temptation, double standards, and whatnot has reminded me of something from my college days. Something that, post college, I warned my younger, Muslimah (play) cousin about. The Muslim brother with the "good intentions." I don't know how many of you ladies have met this man but he's a liar. This is the brother that gets all close to you and keeps telling you he's going to speak to your father, uncle, brother, whatever but keeps procrastinating about it. At the same time, he's trying to get in your pants or as close to it as possible. Now, as you may have guessed, I've had dealings with this type of guy. Fortunately, I was smart enough to avoid falling into his trap. I met A (sorry, I'm not good with clever nicknames) Sophomore year of college. I had to have him. He was a friend of a friend and said friend thought he was a "good, solid brother." In hindsight, he wasn't the best judge of character or the best of men. But whatever, that's a story for another time. Moving on. I wasn't the only girl that had a thing for him. A so-called friend wanted him too. I will admit that as a pretty and naive girl, used to getting what I wanted, I didn't consider her real competition. My mistake. A and I started hanging out at school, talking to each other on the phone, etc. We kept it kosher. Both of us being from "good" families, friends started asking the normal questions and I was wondering myself. He claimed he was going to speak with my uncle. In the meantime, why didn't we hang out without all these other people around. And so it went. Around and around. Him always trying to get me alone with him (usually at his place, Mr. BMOC) and me reminding him that he hadn't yet spoken with my uncle, or anyone in my family. The whole time, of course, Miss Thang is hanging around with her fast tail. Eventually, he stops calling me and I hear that they've hooked up. She paraded around smug for a few weeks and then it was over. He was asking my friends why I wasn't speaking to him, etc. They basically told him where to get off and over the summer we both got over it. He transferred to VA Tech and I never saw or heard from him again.
My point is this; he didn't have single good intention towards me. He wanted only one thing and when he didn't get it; he moved on. He got it from another young sister and then cast her aside. He'll marry someones virgin daughter and, in the meantime, people still talk about her and how she was always no good. No, she wasn't, but it takes two to tango. He's even more worthless because he's deceitful. He's (or was) a cad, a rake, a jerk, a bastard. Whatever you want to call it, that's him. I wouldn't have had him back for all of the money in the world because he had no respect for me or any other Muslim woman. He found it perfectly acceptable to lie in order to get what he wanted and that's unacceptable. Unfortunately, he's not the only one. A former friend of mine also tried this scam on an unsuspecting sister. Always going on about his good intentions when he didn't have any. She was smart so she got off easy. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen often. You tell a fairly innocent girl that it's okay because you're getting married anyway and she might believe you. She's foolish to believe it but it happens.
It's cruel to use women like this, especially Muslim women. It's not necessary to ruin an innocent young sisters life; because that's basically what happens. Word gets out and everyone acts like she's the biggest whore in town. They don't want to know the truth; that their precious son used and misled an innocent girl. She's a victim (of his duplicity and her stupidity and naivete) and he's a victimizer. It's a big, bitter pill for the Muslim community to swallow but until we start holding our sons as accountable as we hold our daughters, this kind of stuff will continue to happen. In the meantime, it's up to those of us that know to warn our younger sisters and guide our younger brothers.


Suroor said...

You have hit the nail on its head. I learnt in my psychology course that a man tells a woman he loves her (most of the time but not always) because he wants sex, while a woman has sex because she loves the man. I think this is why many women fall prey to men on a hunting spree.

ruby said...

I'm glad you didn't compromise yourself SM. I hate the guys who run aroung with every girl they see and then when its time to get married they want a good girl, a virgin and are so self-righteous. Its hypocritical.

Haleem said...

I think the times are changing now. Nowadays I see a lot of fuss being made over (at least in our circles) about a guy's 'history'. I know for example there's some talk over me going to Bangladesh to marry, and the number 1 question for some parties was has he ever had a girl friend?

Atifa said...

I tend to agree with Haleem. For me and my friends the guy's rep is huge. The same goes for my parents.

At the same time my personal philosophy is to forgive someone's (male or female) past. I mean if Allah SWT forgives someone if they repent, then who are we to hold them accountable? But that is only if it’s something truly in their past.

On a side note, I've made some observations about our dear brothers. If he's serious, he'll be the one running to his family or your family; you won't even have to ask him. If he's not, then be prepaid for the never ending story.

Guys will take what they can get: be that a smile, a chat, a date, or something more. They won't turn down what they get for free. Historically women have been the choosy ones; the ones who restrict access. I really don't know if it’s fair, but it’s the way Allah SWT created our psychology. Think about it. I mean we have to wear hijab and it's a greater sin to accuse a chaste women of zina then it is to accuse a chaste man.

Humm, once we’re all married, what will we talk about? :p

singlemuslimah said...

Suroor: That is so, so true.
Ruby: I can't stand them either. I'd like to hang them by their toes. It would be different if they were truly repentant but they're not, at least, not as far as I can see.
Haleem and Atifa: Y'all are right, to a certain degree. Times are changing. My family (myself included), however, has always felt just as strongly about the guy's reputation. I'm all about forgiving and forgetting if you've repented but a lot of brothers (and their families) are shockingly blasé about the whole affair.

Atifa, it's going to be mighty quiet around here once we're all married.

Atifa said...

I've noticed many families do turn a blind eye to their childern's behavior, but both for daughters and sons always blaming the other party. But for "good" families, it's a little different. They won't lie about it, but it's understandable the embarassment/humiliation and sometimes anger they feel when the subject comes up. I mean truely we end up punishing the whole family just because one member screws up. That's just as unfair.

singlemuslimah said...

Atifa: "we end up punishing the whole family just because one member screws up" That's so true and it's so unfortunate. I remember this girl I grew up with turned out to be really trashy and her parents married her off to an unsuspecting man from back home. Well, everyone painted her two younger sisters with the same brush. They were nothing like her but their every action was scrutinized and they were called out for the slightest thing. Another girl might laugh and talk with a guy from her class, but let one of them do it and the worst was thought. I always felt so bad for them.

Ayesha said...

sm, your last comment reminds me of pride and prejudice - in that case it was ther behavior of the youngest of five that was compromising the marriageability of the oldest two :)
hey, you moved to raleigh from va? i grew up there! raleigh i mean. all the girls from there moved up here tho (va-dc-md). he he. there's a few left in nc tho! where exactly are you?

singlemuslimah said...

Ayesha, I'm in the Six Forks area.